I think, today, I’m strong enough to let go.

So many thoughts. So many emotions.

I’ve wanted to blog it all, but each time I sit at the computer, I can’t bring myself to spill. It’s usually so much easier, & I don’t understand what’s keeping me from relieving my head from the chaos that consumes me.

Maybe I’m just not quite ready to let go.  Maybe I’ve placed all of my thoughts for safe keeping; because maybe I’ve denied their current validity in my life. Maybe I’m just not quite ready to let go of more than my thoughts. Maybe I’m not ready to let go of a lot of things. Things that I have hope for.  Things that I want to hold on to— because it comforts me. & maybe I’m not ready to let go, because writing it all down makes it so real, so much more UNcomfortable. & maybe I’m just not ready for it.

I’m torn between jumping the gun and holding onto that little piece of thread— my little piece of comfort.

I’m conflicted. & I will allow myself to be conflicted.. because I know there will come a time when I come to peace with letting go or not letting go.  I’m just trying my hand at patience. I just hope it comes sooner than later.

..because it’s bothering the hell outta me.

There’s no use in expecting much from people, I know that.  But sometimes that little bit of expectation gets mistaken as hope, which to me— hurts worse.

I need “Lara” time.  I haven’t had a chance in ages to just sit back, relax, and appreciate my life.  I honestly don’t mind being busy, but I’m starting to realize that I haven’t put myself first in a while.  I need to step back, take a deep breath, and do me for me. 

skinniest, perfect girl in the world, but i know i deserve to be loved for who i am, who i was & who i will be— with all of my damn flaws & imperfections. 

feeling incomplete. lonely. empty. reminiscent. 

seemingly content with life, but feeling subconsciously unhappy and unsatisfied.

done with trying.

i feel like something is not right. i am just not sure what it is.. or just refuse to admit i actually do know what it is. happy/sad, such a blur right now :(

I’ve realized more and more how important the people in my life are to me.  They aren’t all necessarily my best friends, my favorite people, or my role models— but instead each one of the good, the bad, and the ugly are all essential to my whole being.  I’ve realized that people do deserve second chances, and sometimes you need  to find all the wrong people to reassure yourself of your morals, values, and your overall personal character.  & yet sometimes, you may also need them to question what you’ve become so comfortable understanding, accepting… being.  

I was put in a situation where I questioned myself.  I took the chance, not out of fear or uncertainty, but out of simple curiosity.  The further I dug myself into this world, I found more of myself.  I realized that, sure as hell, I knew what I wanted.. & this wasn’t it.  I didn’t want to get out of the situation, but rather help it surface into a reality for someone else to realize the extent of their own being, own choices. 

Someone told me today that they don’t need friends, that it’s a waste of time.  I can’t tell you how hard it is for me to understand this.  I honestly, truly believe that the people you meet are put in your life for a reason— however unimportant they may seem to you.  It is not simply by chance.  For instance, the person who told me that they don’t need friends in their life made it easier for me to argue how important they were in mine for stating such an idea.  By them saying this, I not only reassured myself of my belief that everyone is in your life for a reason, but I also realized how such a seemingly insignificant person can be such a powerful push towards more appreciation and acknowledgment to individuality.  

I was also told today by a different person that I was really friendly and that I get along with everyone.  This made me smile, because I want others to know that giving a chance to anyone, without society’s disoriented views and stereotypes, can accentuate your personal views.  Today definitely helped me realize how much I appreciate the people in my life, especially one specific person that I wouldn’t give up for the world.